Relief poured over me. I had made it to the toilet in time at the car wash. I wiped the sweat from my soaked forehead and reached for the toilet paper dispenser. What I felt there sent cold chills up and down my spine.. All I felt was cardboard. I searched the empty brown tube for any remaining scraps that could be useful to me. Nothing was there. I scanned the floor of the tiny bathroom, searching for something.. Some kind of crude tool perhaps that I could use as a makeshift spoon or scraper.. Nothing... I reached behind the porcelain throne, running my fingers along where the floor met the wall behind me (kids, this is not a great idea, unless in a hospital that is sanitized). There I found the remains of what looked to be the wrapping of the previous roll of toilet paper. (apparently, the rolls at the car wash are wrapped individually in something similar to tissue paper) I looked on the side of the wrapping and there I saw it:
Cottonelle with Aloe & E
For questions, comments, issues, and concerns, call 1-800-391-2749, 24 hours a day and speak with
a customer service representative.
Hands trembling, I pulled out my BlackBerry and dialed the number on the wrapper....
Customer Service Rep: Good evening Sir or Ma'am. You've reached Cottonelle quality hygiene products. How may I be of assistance?
Me: Hello.. Uh.. Well...I'm in the bathroom right now and uh.. I've just taken a massive bowel movement and there doesn't seem to be any toilet paper in here and I saw your number and well.. could you maybe, I dont know.. help me in some way?
Customer Service: Sir, is this a joke?
Me: No it's no joke. Geeze! A small midget just came out of me and I need some assistance! Just as fast as you can get here would be great.
Customer Service: Sir, I dont really know what you expect us to do. We deal in retail and customer assistance. Maybe you should call for some help.
Me: Are you crazy?!? And let someone come in here and see me like this? No! For the love of all that's fair and good, would you please just help me?!?
Customer Service: Please stop yelling at me Sir. Are you wearing socks? Maybe you could take off your sock and use that.
Me: Uh oh.. My rectum is winking now.. Does that mean more doo-doo is going to come out? Good Lord, it stinks!
Customer Service: Uh.. Yeah. Maybe just wait until you're done to clean off. Sir, I have to get off the line.
Me: It's winking repeatedly now.. What should I do? Can you bring me some toilet paper?
Customer Service: Sir, it doesn't work that way. Maybe you should call the hospital..
Me: No! For crying out loud, I'm not injured! I just need your assistance! So you think I should just use my sock?
Customer Service: Yes Sir, I'd say just use your sock and clean up a little more later.
Me: Alright. Thank you.
Customer Service: You're welcome. Have a nice day.
Me: Goodbye.
I pulled off my and sneaker peeled off my sock. Three minutes later, I was done (and sockless, underwearless, as well as undershirtless). After three or four tries, I managed to flush all of my soiled underclothing down the commode. I stood up, walked to the sink and washed my hands. Then I grabbed three or four paper towels off the top of the large stack of them that sat next to the sink and I dried my hands. I just love the way paper towels feel on my freshly washed hands. Then I blew my nose on a few more of the paper towels and started for the bathroom door, pausing only briefly to snatch up a few more paper towels and enjoy how soft they felt on my hands and face. Yeah, my bad....
I have a question, hypothetical of course....If you go from 358 pounds to 322 pounds in 9 weeks, that is an awesome and consistent loss of just about 4 pounds per week. If you change your plans and diet goals and the following week lose less than 2 pounds, should you go back to the original plan ? Should it matter to me ? Would you stop your friends, even online ones, from making a mistake ? Just a question....
14 comments:
Oh holy shit. Thats was too funny to read at work. You need to put a warning up before you post like this. Gracie
Allan,
Your bathroom story cracked me up even though I know there is really nothing at all funny about it. I have been in that situation, not quite as bad but similar. It never occurred to me to use my socks. I have learned to HOLD IT until I get somewhere decent to go. That is one of the advantages of being a recluse. I'm usually home for BM trips.
About your question. If I had a friend on the internet who had been successful, very successful on a particular plan I would be concerned and would probably say something TACTFUL about wondering if a change is a good idea. Ultimately, the choice is theirs and you can't make it for them. I think that eventually if the new plan doesn't give them the loss they are expecting, they will get back with the program. I can be outspoken when I think people are messing up but when it comes to this kind of thing, where they already know how to be successful, it is really up to them to decide if they are going to continue being successful or take an easier way out that might ultimately fail them. Yes. Tell them what you think TACTFULLY. Hugs to you and Sue. I appreciate you and your tough love and support more than you know. INN the future though, you might want to carry one of those small pocket sized packs of tissues when you are on the run and a BM is a possibility. :)
hahaha Too funny! What an awful situation. See, that's why it's smart not to doody anywhere but home!
Thanks for making me spit out my water onto my computer screen as I was reading this. Yep.. took a drink just as you were saying you called customer service!
I agree with Karen regarding the online friend. I personally wouldn't be offended if someone said it to me in a nice way.
I would never have thought to have used my sock. And you were so nice to flush the clothing down. Lol, I would have somehow left it as a warning to all that came in.... ;-)
As for the hypothetical question. I would say something to them about it. If I hypothetically knew their email, I would email them and ask and/or be an ear and a friend. You never know why they haven't gone back to the old way of eating.
You are like McGyver when it comes to comode stories !!! lol
As a woman who always carries a medium to superlarge purse/bag depending on the outfit, I always always have 1. tissues and 2. baby wipes/or/towelettes in my purse. As well as Neosporin, Cortaid, eye drops, nail file, lip balm, and an epi-pen. Poeple at church and in my family know to come to me if they need something. I'm less equipped than I used to be (I used to carry a purse AND a tote everywhere, and carry spare bra/panties/pantyhose/flat shoes/swiss army knife/flashlight/napkins/snacks.
I got tired of carrying enough for a weekend trip!
But tissues and baby wipes--essential. Especially now that I go to the bathroom a million times a day.
I liked that. Funny little tale. And yes, I would use whatever spare item of clothing--only I'd just toss it in the trash. ; ) No clogging of pipes. :D
Happy Wednesday!
Re: the question.
Well. If I recall correctly--and it's not like I've studied yur weight loss journey--but if I remember, you were originally on a different plan than you are now.
And you were losing 4 or 5 pounds a week. Maybe more at first.
Then you switched to the 1200 calorie plan and your weight loss dropped to about 2 pounds a week.
Now, since you're pretty savvy about all of this stuff, I have to assume that the reason you didn't go back to the quicker loss plan was because the change was needful despite the decrease in weight loss.
I guess my point is: How would you have wanted someone to address the plan change, with its resultant change in numbers, that you made?
Your answer to that question would be the best course of action for you to take for it is what you think is right. :)
Deb
Laughing, rolling around, gotta read this to my dad and Jim, both will get a kick out of it. I so love bathroom humor. Weird I know but hey, I'm around kids of all ages all the time, what better then a good story, joke or fart.
As for you question, don't answer in a comment section, e-mail would be more private especially since your tasteful way of saying things don't always come off as sweet, even when meant to be helpful. Just my thoughts.
Take care and keep enjoying your vacation. God Bless!!
You have no idea how badly I needed that laugh. I am having the crappiest, most depressing day in the world. I don't think I've even smiled, at least not a real smile, fake ones for the kids. I so needed to laugh. Thank you!
On your question, I think part of it would depend on HOW they lost the 4 lbs. per week. Was it eating just grapefruit for 9 weeks? I can see where a change would be in order. If they did that eating healthy and NOW want to switch to eating just grapefruit or something stupid, then tell them to stop and think. Granted you shouldn't be RUDE about it but if you just beat around the bush, they just might not see behind the bush so you might need to get direct. I would be direct. Of course I'm in a bitchy mood at the moment so I would be blunt with anyone right now.
Never, EVER sit down before you check to see if there's toilet paper. I think I learned that lesson about 20 years ago...but hey, some people are slower with these things. ;) lol
I agree with Tammy, talk about a tough lesson-not to the extent of the sock/phonecall, but now I always look before I sit...
Polar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com
Really? That was appetite killer, Thanks!
I know who you are talking about, exactly and I really would like to say something to her. I just haven't yet. A lot of times people won't take your opinion until they figure it out for themselves, unfortunately. I think she needs to come back here with us. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
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